Will my day ever come?
There are days when I greet the morning full of hope and joy. I laugh with my friends, I joke with my co-workers, reminisce with my family members, and dream about remarkable opportunities that lie ahead of me. And then the dark days like today come, when I fail to find any reason that can put a smile on my face. I just lie in bed, occupying my mind with a book or a TV show, trying to forget the real reason why I cannot face reality.
Why do I feel like such a failure all the time? I guess because it is hard to feel thankful for the things you have when you live with a comparison of a truly better life. I do not want to be bitter about it, I am not the kind of person to bitch around and be angry with the world. However, living in a shadow of your best friend is a hard thing to do, and sometimes I just reach my limit. Especially since we are so similar: we share the same goals, the same ambitions, and the same dreams. We even share the same name. The only difference is that she has always been ahead of me every step of the way. Although for the most part, I am fine with the situation, and I will not allow this fear of inadequacy to ruin years of friendship. But on a day like today, I just feel so tired of being a best friend instead of a leading lady.
I and she are so similar, both in personality and in terms of our goals. We always did great in school, yet she did better. We decided to study the same subject in university, but she got in the best one, I did not. She was always admired in school, had more friends, more charisma, more opportunities. Was always the pretty one. Everybody knew her as her, and me as her friend. Even when I found my own thing, hip-hop dancing, she joined it a year later and became the lead dancer instantaneously.
In terms of relationships, her family is strong and magnificent, while I come from a broken home, with divorced parents, having had to survive my mom’s abusive lazy alcoholic boyfriend, her alcoholic second husband, and my grandmother’s alcoholic second husband. Although my family, even with their problems, is pretty great, it just does not compare to hers.
As far as romance goes, she always attracted attention. Attention from people who liked her. Attention from boys who admired her. And now, she’s got a long-term boyfriend who loves her. I, on the other hand, can count how many dated I have ever been on using only the fingers of one hand.
Now, our life has taken a turn after we graduated from university (she got a high grade, I did not) and moved to London to live our dreams. She got a job within a couple of months of applying, and I am still looking, only receiving countless of rejections. I have to pay rent I cannot afford, as I do not have the luxury of living with someone else, I do not have a shoulder to lean on, and I fail to stop this feeling of utter inadequacy from overwhelming me. We sometimes go to the balcony of our flat, she has a cigarette, I drink my tea, and we share our deepest fears and struggles while watching the trains go by. We talk about our problems, and how similar they are, feeling angry at the unfairness of life. Yet sometimes I cannot comprehend how our situations can even compare, how she thinks we are in the same boat. While she had to survive two months of unemployment, I had to battle utter loneliness, failure, financial troubles and my issues of inadequacy. Some people just do not see how lucky they really are, and then when I think that, I am left wondering if I can clearly see my life for what it is, or if I am one of these people.
Now I am left feeling like a really bitter asshole, as I believe she is also a better person than me. If something good happens to me, she shares my joy with all her heart. And when she shared the news of getting a job, I could barely fake a smile long enough, waiting for the appropriate moment when I could retreat to my room and cry my eyes out.
I guess I should stop blaming the world and feeling sorry for myself and try to change my fate. But I am tired. I am tired of constantly hoping that this year, I might finally find happiness. This year I might finally find love. This year I will be good enough. Maybe this year I will just realise that dreams do not come true, and some people get everything while others get nothing. And all I’ll ever have are fiction stories, as I am too scared to live in the real world long enough to make real stories come to life.
A Lost Social Introvert