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diary of a lost social introvert

sharing the real life experience

Quote

This world that I live in is empty and cold

the loneliness cuts me and tortures my soul

– Waylon Jennings

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Lonely thoughts

I am at a crossroads again, staring blankly while the world is suffocating me. And I am the only one to blame.

I am drowning in self-pity. I watch the days go by, taking away my happiness and positivity bit by bit, and I am not sure how much of it is still left in me. I am feeling the utter and complete loneliness, it is crushing me, and I find myself happiest when I am at work.

I now understand all those workaholics that people always say do not have feeling and care only about work. I believe it is quite the opposite. They feel too much, yet none of these feelings are good. To make them go away, all they can do is work. Maybe soon I will be one of them.

My friend pointed it out to me that I really don’t try to change my current situation. I find myself crying my eyes out every weekend now. I am tired of living in one of the greatest cities in the world and spending every weekend sitting on my couch watching Netflix. The only difference between me and a small townspeople is that I pay much more for rent.

I am destructive, I watch my life pass me by without doing anything about it. My friend asks me ‘What is your plan? You should try something and stop whining’ and I agree wholeheartedly. Yet another weekend comes when nothing changes.

I do not have a good reason for being this lonely. Maybe I am just tired of fruitless attempts at building friendships. Maybe I am just a chicken, scared to do anything. Maybe I actually like feeling this way as it is the only strong feeling that I’ve ever felt. Most likely my reason is not valid at all, yet it is the reason why I am so pathetic. I just can’t.

I am not a person who can just go and do my hobbies alone, attend events or explore the city by myself. How do you do it? After 3 minutes I want to go home. I try attending events and talking to people and I find my mouth sewn shut.

Basically, it sucks. I suck. I cry myself to sleep, and I continue this dysfunctional pattern of self-sabotage and lonely life.

I am getting the urge to reinvent my life, move somewhere. But I don’t think this will solve my issues. I have done that many times, and the outcome is always the same. I end up alone, watching Netflix and reading books, engaging in the stories that are not mine because I am incapable of creating my own.

Cheers to another weekend of watching everyone have fun while I unsuccessfully attempt to reinvent my life.

Sincerely,

A lost social introvert.

The 23-year-old virgin – a tragedy.

I sometimes wonder why I can get so sad at certain moments in life. I am not particularly unhealthy, or have exceptional family problems. My life has been good, I have done well enough in school, been lucky enough to find amazing friends, and see the world. I do lead a positive lifestyle, and I am fairly happy most of the time. However, the thing that I am lacking is romance. And it just makes me feel so lonely and sad.

I do not want to sound whiny about my lack of romantic life, or hear that it is very normal. I might not be that bothered about it myself, but it is hard to ignore the fact that in my 23 years I have not experienced any romance at all. Especially when the world tells you that you need to fall in love, or at least date.

I am not one of those people who thinks that you need a man to find happiness or to be able to function normally in society. I believe in quite the opposite – you will not find happiness if you are unable to love yourself and spend time with yourself first. And being single has allowed me to become independent, to become comfortable with myself, and I believe I am better for it. However, I do want it, some kind of romance, that is. Life just gets terribly lonely sometimes. While it was not a big deal when I was 16, since most of my friends were single for the most part as well, now, I feel like I have missed out on a very important part of life. I am surrounded by people falling in love, being in relationships, and planning their futures together, and I am stuck here as a third wheel on holidays or casual hang outs.

Although nowadays it is not weird to be single or want to be independent, relationships are still a big part of life. And since I have not had any kind or romantic connections, I feel like I do not belong. My closest friends know about it since we grew up together. And they are really wonderful people, never in any way trying to make me feel bad or lesser for it. But I am observant, and I see all the girls wanting to discuss guys, reminisce about the silly flings in high school, compare their experiences, and talk about their sex lives. I can listen to that, and I can offer my opinion based on logic and everything that I have seen on TV or read in books. But I cannot share. I have nothing to share. I feel embarrassed about my inexperience, angry about my gaps in life, and most of all, just really sad and lonely.

I am actually writing this after I have spent hours listening to my friends talk about their exes. Obviously I had no stories to contribute, and in the end, I just felt shame in my lack of romantic relationships. I don’t even know if my best friends are aware of the extent of my inexperience in this field, and I definitely cannot share it with the people I do not know that well. That’s why I have trouble connecting to girly girls. They will want to discuss guys at some point, and I am always left with 3 choices – lie (what I absolutely hate doing), listen and keep silent (what does not help in connecting, nor does it seem completely normal), or share my story (and get either confusion, pity, or the assumption that something has to be wrong with me). I had been asked if I was a lesbian (although I have not shown any interest in a girl), been forced to pretend that I like somebody (because I just wanted to be part of the group), or left wondering if something is really wrong with me since I do not seem to easily fall for someone. It might not be that typical, but I view it as protection. After having no romantic experience, I have learned how to protect myself and avoid even becoming remotely interested in anyone. Because, first, it will be fruitless, and why bother feeling that way. And second, I think that now, I have waited too long, and I would be too scared to do anything about it even if the opportunity presented itself.

I am not blaming the wold for that, I am the biggest part of the problem. I know that some guys have demonstrated an interest in me, but there were not that many during all the years, and they can be classified into two categories – the ones who I felt no physical attraction whatsoever, and the drunk guys who would sleep with anyone that has a vagina. Regarding the first category, some will say that I am obviously too picky. But I cannot force myself to be attracted to someone I am not. I usually got any interest directed towards me by shorter guys, and since I am not a skinny girl, yet am quite tall, I would never be able to feel comfortable with such a guy.

Then there are the ‘drunk guys at the clubs’ category. I will never judge any person who wants to have a good time, however, that is not me. I crave some kind of connection, at least once, and I cannot just stop feeling that way.

I often catch myself thinking that I am just being ridiculous and truly too picky, but then I get mad about it, and decide that it is OK if I refuse to settle. I guess if I was OK with settling, my story would be much different. But I want to be attracted to someone, and be sure that a person wants to be with me, for me. I do not have crazy expectations from epic romance stories, where two people feel a magical connection that turns into true love. I just have an expectation of a simple connection, for someone to like me, just a little bit.

It never happens though. Nobody had a crush on me in school (at least no one who made any kind of move), nobody invited me on dates, or even wanted to hold my hand. My first kiss was when I was 17, it happened at the club, I was completely wasted, and I do not even remember the guy. All my other romantic relations (really lacking romance) happened at clubs. I don’t think that I have ever had a kiss in daylight, or without any alcohol consumed. None or my classmates would even use me as an example of a possible love interest. Nobody has invited me on a date (I have been on a few, with guys that I have met on Tinder, and without any indication or romantic development in the future). I never experienced late night messages. I never had something to dream about.

For the most part, I am just sad that I will never have a memory of a high school sweetheart, or any gossip about me and a guy. I have skipped a huge part in life. The same goes to university experience – nothing happened. Ever. Some of my friends say that I am not trying hard enough – but it is hard to try when nobody shows any interest in you. I might be a little shy, or not be the most pretty and fit girl. But I am not ugly, nor I am fat. I guess I just am the girl in the middle, where everybody expects her to have had relationships, and it must be something wrong with her if she never had one. I mean, I might not be trying my hardest, but my friends did not need to do that hard. They were liked, flirted with, and did not have to experience disappointment after disappointment.

And now I feel bad for whining about my silly problems, because is it really that tragic?

But I do feel sad. I feel sad that I do not get to experience the world with somebody else. To truly be excited about something and share the most personal moments in life. I am 23 now, all my friends are preparing to live together, plan their holidays, share romantic and not so romantic aspects of life. And I cannot share one single kiss that made me feel something. Not to mention the constant pressure I feel from relatives, especially my mum, to find a boyfriend. I know she means well, but it just makes me feel more of an outsider. Also, the other issue is that I feel really horny.

I sometimes have guys approach me now (although it happens rarely, maybe once a year) who I know I could be attracted to. However, I see it on their faces that they want to fuck me, and I do not know how to tell them that I have never had sex. Plus, I don’t want my first time to be a one-night stand.

From the early days I have heard that having sex for the first time needs to be with someone special. And although I am not a believer it that kind of cheesy way of thinking, I would like some kind of romance, some sign that a guy cares just a little bit, and will remember my name the next morning. People are talking how teenagers are losing their virginity too early, but not many talk about what hardships follow the ones who do it too late. I can tell you, it is a burden. ‘Virgin’ has become the nastiest word in my vocabulary, a word that has the most power to wound me. It is very hard to hurt my feelings, but with this word, you will definitely succeed. And talking about my lack of experience makes me feel the most vulnerable.

Although I dream of romance, it has become a thing that scares me the most. My way of dealing with problems is avoidance. Therefore, I continue hiding in my comfort zone, avoiding conversations about guys, trying not to show how any tips about finding a boyfriend truly wound me, and, when loneliness really hits me, just hiding in my room, listening to sad music and feeling sorry for myself.

After all, we, humans, are social animals, that need human connection. And I am really lacking it. I do not see my family or some of my closest friends often since I live far away. And I have not experienced any romantic touch, any possibility to share, to feel, to connect, with another person.

I see people complain about their lack of action when nothing happened in over a month. I observe people holding hands, men carrying heavy bags, and women making sure that they have everything they need with them. And it is beautiful. I will still dream about love and in the meantime, will continue to be too chicken to do anything about it, just occasionally crying my eyes out until I can return back to society with a smile on my face.

Excuse my ramblings and my whining, but I really needed to get everything out on paper since I have learned not to talk about it in real life. Usually, I just feel like I do not belong and cannot really be understood. I usually feel like the only person in the world with such terrible romantic life. But if anybody reading this feels the same way, just know that you are not alone in this.

Sometimes you only need a little bit of support to make your life better.

Sincerely,

A lost social introvert.

 

Loneliness is undoing me piece by piece.

You want to say that you feel lonely too? That you did not have much luck in the romance department? That you do not have that many friends?

I know that everybody has their own threshold of suffering, but sometimes I just want to cry and complain without hearing the words ‘Have you tried that’ or ‘I too have the same problem’. I just want someone to listen and say: ‘life can suck sometimes’.

Now I am 23 years old, have lived in 4 different places, and every single time I have the same experience – I am always alone. I used to think that maybe the places where I was living at weren’t my home, weren’t where I truly belonged. Yet after many years of trying, I only have myself to blame. Maybe I am just not the kind of person that can experience romance or have a couple different friendship circles.

I am so tired of hearing that I do not try hard enough, that I should open myself up for possibilities. I try, maybe not as hard as I could, but I try. Yet when you have a success rate of 0%, it puts you off trying. I just get angry after hearing these kinds of tips. Why don’t other people need to try that hard?

Let’s talk about romance. My best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years. I really feel for her, and I get that it hurts when the wound is so fresh. Now, I have to be very careful around her. I understand, breakups horrible. However, no one thinks that single people are entitled to suffer that much. People will just think that it’s PMS making you feel that way, or that you are just having a bad day for no reason. But loneliness is quite a reason, and stupid advise does not help. I have a brain as well, I know what I am doing wrong, I just cannot help myself.

I see a 4 year relationship that is over, I see my best friend sad, and I think ‘Just be glad you had that’. People need romance, they need closeness, comfort, love. I have not had that, ever. In my 23 years, the most romantic thing that has ever happened to me was a stranger giving me a flower and calling me pretty when I was 16. Recently, I started looking back to all my romantic experiences, and it is just depressing. I have never been on a second date, I have been on a first date twice, I met both people online and it was quite disappointing. Only one boy has ever held my hand. I have never had a kiss when it wasn’t dark, or where alcohol was not involved. Nobody has ever asked me out in real life. I won’t even talk about a meet cute. The only action that I’ve ever had was with intoxicated boys at clubs, being seen as a piece of meat, them thinking I would be a decent bang.

I have become quite cynical, yet I still dream about romance. I cannot start going on many online dates as I’m just not wired that way. Frankly, I am just too scared. People will think that I am too weird for having zero romantic experience.

Although I might not be the prettiest girl in town, I am not ugly. I just want people to see ME and not to be treated like a piece of meat. But I only get attention from the drunk audience.

I have 3 great friends that really know me. I guess I am a bit afraid to let anyone else in. I cannot talk about my romantic life, first kisses, boys, or anything that most people like talking about. I sit there in silence, afraid to draw any attention to myself, waiting for the topic to change. If they ask about me and my experience, what would I tell them? The truth? Nobody wants to hear my pathetic life experience. Lie? I do not like to lie, and lies have a tendency to catch up with you, so then you are forced to keep a distance to keep your lies alive.

I could take my mind off things, but again, I am not unlucky in the romance department only. I don’t have many friends. I have 3 amazing friends, yet 2 of them live in a different country and one is a popular girl with plenty to do. I have tried making friends so many times, but I always fail. I am always up for doing something fun, but I am forced to be a complete introvert. I guess I do have a lot of time to read and binge watch TV series. It is sad to live in one of the greatest cities in the world and just sit at home paying a crazy amount of money for the great location when could be watching Netflix anywhere else in the world.

So what can I do next? Hope that maybe one day my life will change? Or accept that I will have to get used to this loneliness?

Maybe one day I can buy a dog.

Sincerely,

A lost social introvert

The issues of being the ‘best friend’ and not the ‘leading lady’

Dear Diary,

Will my day ever come?

 

There are days when I greet the morning full of hope and joy. I laugh with my friends, I joke with my co-workers, reminisce with my family members, and dream about remarkable opportunities that lie ahead of me. And then the dark days like today come, when I fail to find any reason that can put a smile on my face. I just lie in bed, occupying my mind with a book or a TV show, trying to forget the real reason why I cannot face reality.

Why do I feel like such a failure all the time? I guess because it is hard to feel thankful for the things you have when you live with a comparison of a truly better life. I do not want to be bitter about it, I am not the kind of person to bitch around and be angry with the world. However, living in a shadow of your best friend is a hard thing to do, and sometimes I just reach my limit. Especially since we are so similar: we share the same goals, the same ambitions, and the same dreams. We even share the same name. The only difference is that she has always been ahead of me every step of the way. Although for the most part, I am fine with the situation, and I will not allow this fear of inadequacy to ruin years of friendship. But on a day like today, I just feel so tired of being a best friend instead of a leading lady.

I and she are so similar, both in personality and in terms of our goals. We always did great in school, yet she did better. We decided to study the same subject in university, but she got in the best one, I did not. She was always admired in school, had more friends, more charisma, more opportunities. Was always the pretty one. Everybody knew her as her, and me as her friend. Even when I found my own thing, hip-hop dancing, she joined it a year later and became the lead dancer instantaneously.

In terms of relationships, her family is strong and magnificent, while I come from a broken home, with divorced parents, having had to survive my mom’s abusive lazy alcoholic boyfriend, her alcoholic second husband, and my grandmother’s alcoholic second husband. Although my family, even with their problems, is pretty great, it just does not compare to hers.

 As far as romance goes, she always attracted attention. Attention from people who liked her. Attention from boys who admired her. And now, she’s got a long-term boyfriend who loves her. I, on the other hand, can count how many dated I have ever been on using only the fingers of one hand.

Now, our life has taken a turn after we graduated from university (she got a high grade, I did not) and moved to London to live our dreams. She got a job within a couple of months of applying, and I am still looking, only receiving countless of rejections. I have to pay rent I cannot afford, as I do not have the luxury of living with someone else, I do not have a shoulder to lean on, and I fail to stop this feeling of utter inadequacy from overwhelming me. We sometimes go to the balcony of our flat, she has a cigarette, I drink my tea, and we share our deepest fears and struggles while watching the trains go by. We talk about our problems, and how similar they are, feeling angry at the unfairness of life. Yet sometimes I cannot comprehend how our situations can even compare, how she thinks we are in the same boat. While she had to survive two months of unemployment, I had to battle utter loneliness, failure, financial troubles and my issues of inadequacy. Some people just do not see how lucky they really are, and then when I think that, I am left wondering if I can clearly see my life for what it is, or if I am one of these people.

Now I am left feeling like a really bitter asshole, as I believe she is also a better person than me. If something good happens to me, she shares my joy with all her heart. And when she shared the news of getting a job, I could barely fake a smile long enough, waiting for the appropriate moment when I could retreat to my room and cry my eyes out.

I guess I should stop blaming the world and feeling sorry for myself and try to change my fate. But I am tired. I am tired of constantly hoping that this year, I might finally find happiness. This year I might finally find love. This year I will be good enough. Maybe this year I will just realise that dreams do not come true, and some people get everything while others get nothing. And all I’ll ever have are fiction stories, as I am too scared to live in the real world long enough to make real stories come to life.

Sincerely,

A Lost Social Introvert

Happy New Years ?

Dear  Diary,

It is 11 11 pm, exactly 49 minutes until the the New Year, and I find myself turning to my writing to keep me company. It might be that I have dressed up and done my makeup (probably the first time it actually looked perfect without any need of numerous corrections), or that I am on my third gin and tonic, that I find myself feeling blue. And the day has started so well. I had some alone time (being a social introvert and all, days alone end up being one of the most enjoyable moments of my life), cleaned the house, showered, and got ready, awaiting the big long-awaited New Years Eve. For once, I actually looked pretty to myself and hoped for the magical wonders this night could bring to my doorstep. But for a new girl in a big new city, things rarely go according to plan. Since I am not from around here, most of my friends are celebrating their New Years Eve with their groups, family, or special someones. Since my family is far away, my friends are all back home, and I am nowhere close to having a special someone (imaginary ones do not help in this situation), I find myself stuck celebrating New Year’s Eve alone. Why did I dress up then you ask? Well, I was not supposed to be completely alone, hoped to celebrate it with my sister. We did not have a plan, but we did buy a bottle of gin! However, the bureaucratic system and crappy bosses did not let her go home early, and she is still stuck at work, waiting on the people who would rather sit at a restaurant all night, not caring that some people might want to celebrate the new year’s coming. But what can you do, London is expensive, you have to work to barely afford your room in a shitty flat. I will leave these worries for the new year though, hoping that they magically solve themselves. I will hope that I can say goodbye to the crappy 2016, where I had to survive my exhausting dissertation, deal with not officially graduating university, look for a job for 6 months and still not get any perspective callbacks, and, of course, spend yet another year without any possibility of  a love life. I guess I should stop complaining and consider all the good things that happened to me. I went to Indonesia for a month, moved to a big city, I now live with my friends, and usually, have fun. Even though I dream of a better year after the midnight strikes, where I might finally get to have a first proper job, do something exciting, would be able to afford to visit my family back home, and have somebody to kiss on New Year’s Eve, I have no idea what the future holds. I keep dreaming of those things, and somehow it never happens. But I do feel the need to stop being miserable and start being happy. Even if everything goes to shit, I am never alone, I have myself, I am awesome, and that is all I need.

A couple of hours have passed, my sister came home just before midnight, feeling much shittier than I expected her to be, and well, my hopes to actually go out somewhere were crushed again, after she got drunk after having 2 gin and tonics and puked her guts out. We are staying home, but I did get a chance to rewatch the whole Les Miserables musical for the second time today and start my blog, so I do find some positive outcomes of this new year. Let’s just hope that your evening went better, and you all find yourselves living a better year that the previous one.

As for myself, I better check on my sister, I am pretty sure she fell asleep in the toilet.

Sincerely,

A lost social introvert.

What is this blog about?

Dear Diary,

It is a diary of life struggles really. I realised that I really need a space to share my opinions and express myself. Writing is the best way to do this, that is what I have discovered. I believe no one really will care, or I will sound like an annoying depressing brat, but here it goes, it will make me feel better, at least. In short, I am lost, I am sad, and I try my hardest to stay positive. Really, there is nothing special about me, just every-day problems. The only difference is that I decide to share my blabbering. Online space has become an opportunity to become a famous persona, or an anonymous one, and I choose to be the latter. Frankly, I don’t really care if anyone decides to listen to me. However, I realise I need to start this journey, alone, because really, we are all alone, pretending to not feel awful about life, trying to measure out to our society norms. I do not want to sound too depressing so I will stop my introduction before it is too late. I promise to deliver incoherent content on a rare basis, and I hope it will make you feel better about your life, since mine is very average.

I wish good luck to me, because you can only rely on yourself.

If you read any of my posts, you are kind of awesome, but I am not really getting my hopes up.

But if you find reading this post, just know that someone appreciates you. Life sucks too much to be on this journey alone.

Sincerely,

A lost social introvert.

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