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diary of a lost social introvert

sharing the real life experience

The issues of being the ‘best friend’ and not the ‘leading lady’

Dear Diary,

Will my day ever come?

 

There are days when I greet the morning full of hope and joy. I laugh with my friends, I joke with my co-workers, reminisce with my family members, and dream about remarkable opportunities that lie ahead of me. And then the dark days like today come, when I fail to find any reason that can put a smile on my face. I just lie in bed, occupying my mind with a book or a TV show, trying to forget the real reason why I cannot face reality.

Why do I feel like such a failure all the time? I guess because it is hard to feel thankful for the things you have when you live with a comparison of a truly better life. I do not want to be bitter about it, I am not the kind of person to bitch around and be angry with the world. However, living in a shadow of your best friend is a hard thing to do, and sometimes I just reach my limit. Especially since we are so similar: we share the same goals, the same ambitions, and the same dreams. We even share the same name. The only difference is that she has always been ahead of me every step of the way. Although for the most part, I am fine with the situation, and I will not allow this fear of inadequacy to ruin years of friendship. But on a day like today, I just feel so tired of being a best friend instead of a leading lady.

I and she are so similar, both in personality and in terms of our goals. We always did great in school, yet she did better. We decided to study the same subject in university, but she got in the best one, I did not. She was always admired in school, had more friends, more charisma, more opportunities. Was always the pretty one. Everybody knew her as her, and me as her friend. Even when I found my own thing, hip-hop dancing, she joined it a year later and became the lead dancer instantaneously.

In terms of relationships, her family is strong and magnificent, while I come from a broken home, with divorced parents, having had to survive my mom’s abusive lazy alcoholic boyfriend, her alcoholic second husband, and my grandmother’s alcoholic second husband. Although my family, even with their problems, is pretty great, it just does not compare to hers.

 As far as romance goes, she always attracted attention. Attention from people who liked her. Attention from boys who admired her. And now, she’s got a long-term boyfriend who loves her. I, on the other hand, can count how many dated I have ever been on using only the fingers of one hand.

Now, our life has taken a turn after we graduated from university (she got a high grade, I did not) and moved to London to live our dreams. She got a job within a couple of months of applying, and I am still looking, only receiving countless of rejections. I have to pay rent I cannot afford, as I do not have the luxury of living with someone else, I do not have a shoulder to lean on, and I fail to stop this feeling of utter inadequacy from overwhelming me. We sometimes go to the balcony of our flat, she has a cigarette, I drink my tea, and we share our deepest fears and struggles while watching the trains go by. We talk about our problems, and how similar they are, feeling angry at the unfairness of life. Yet sometimes I cannot comprehend how our situations can even compare, how she thinks we are in the same boat. While she had to survive two months of unemployment, I had to battle utter loneliness, failure, financial troubles and my issues of inadequacy. Some people just do not see how lucky they really are, and then when I think that, I am left wondering if I can clearly see my life for what it is, or if I am one of these people.

Now I am left feeling like a really bitter asshole, as I believe she is also a better person than me. If something good happens to me, she shares my joy with all her heart. And when she shared the news of getting a job, I could barely fake a smile long enough, waiting for the appropriate moment when I could retreat to my room and cry my eyes out.

I guess I should stop blaming the world and feeling sorry for myself and try to change my fate. But I am tired. I am tired of constantly hoping that this year, I might finally find happiness. This year I might finally find love. This year I will be good enough. Maybe this year I will just realise that dreams do not come true, and some people get everything while others get nothing. And all I’ll ever have are fiction stories, as I am too scared to live in the real world long enough to make real stories come to life.

Sincerely,

A Lost Social Introvert

Happy New Years ?

Dear  Diary,

It is 11 11 pm, exactly 49 minutes until the the New Year, and I find myself turning to my writing to keep me company. It might be that I have dressed up and done my makeup (probably the first time it actually looked perfect without any need of numerous corrections), or that I am on my third gin and tonic, that I find myself feeling blue. And the day has started so well. I had some alone time (being a social introvert and all, days alone end up being one of the most enjoyable moments of my life), cleaned the house, showered, and got ready, awaiting the big long-awaited New Years Eve. For once, I actually looked pretty to myself and hoped for the magical wonders this night could bring to my doorstep. But for a new girl in a big new city, things rarely go according to plan. Since I am not from around here, most of my friends are celebrating their New Years Eve with their groups, family, or special someones. Since my family is far away, my friends are all back home, and I am nowhere close to having a special someone (imaginary ones do not help in this situation), I find myself stuck celebrating New Year’s Eve alone. Why did I dress up then you ask? Well, I was not supposed to be completely alone, hoped to celebrate it with my sister. We did not have a plan, but we did buy a bottle of gin! However, the bureaucratic system and crappy bosses did not let her go home early, and she is still stuck at work, waiting on the people who would rather sit at a restaurant all night, not caring that some people might want to celebrate the new year’s coming. But what can you do, London is expensive, you have to work to barely afford your room in a shitty flat. I will leave these worries for the new year though, hoping that they magically solve themselves. I will hope that I can say goodbye to the crappy 2016, where I had to survive my exhausting dissertation, deal with not officially graduating university, look for a job for 6 months and still not get any perspective callbacks, and, of course, spend yet another year without any possibility of  a love life. I guess I should stop complaining and consider all the good things that happened to me. I went to Indonesia for a month, moved to a big city, I now live with my friends, and usually, have fun. Even though I dream of a better year after the midnight strikes, where I might finally get to have a first proper job, do something exciting, would be able to afford to visit my family back home, and have somebody to kiss on New Year’s Eve, I have no idea what the future holds. I keep dreaming of those things, and somehow it never happens. But I do feel the need to stop being miserable and start being happy. Even if everything goes to shit, I am never alone, I have myself, I am awesome, and that is all I need.

A couple of hours have passed, my sister came home just before midnight, feeling as shittier than I expected her to be, and well, my hopes to actually go out somewhere were crushed again, after she got drunk after having 2 gin and tonics and puked her guts out. We are staying hope, but I did get a chance to rewatch the whole Les Miserables musical for the second time today and start my blog, so I do find some positive outcomes of this new year. Let’s just hope that your evening went better, and you all find yourselves living a better year that the previous year.

As for myself, I better check on my sister, I am pretty sure she fell asleep in the toilet.

Sincerely,

A lost social introvert.

What is this blog about?

Dear Diary,

It is a diary of life struggles really. I realised that I really need a space to share my opinions and express myself. Writing is the best way to do this, that is what I have discovered. I believe no one really will care, or I will sound like an annoying depressing brat, but here it goes, it will make me feel better, at least. In short, I am lost, I am sad, and I try my hardest to stay positive. Really, there is nothing special about me, just every-day problems. The only difference is that I decide to share my blabbering. Online space has become an opportunity to become a famous persona, or an anonymous one, and I choose to be the latter. Frankly, I don’t really care if anyone decides to listen to me. However, I realise I need to start this journey, alone, because really, we are all alone, pretending to not feel awful about life, trying to measure out to our society norms. I do not want to sound too depressing so I will stop my introduction before it is too late. I promise to deliver incoherent content on a rare basis, and I hope it will make you feel better about your life, since mine is very average.

I wish good luck to me, because you can only rely on yourself.

If you read any of my posts, you are kind of awesome, but I am not really getting my hopes up.

But if you find reading this post, just know that someone appreciates you. Life sucks too much to be on this journey alone.

Sincerely,

A lost social introvert.

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